Nurturing Touch: Keep It In Your Life!

Stories, Books and Solutions for Meeting the Human Need to be Touched

By Barnaby B. Barratt, PhD, DHS, ABPP, FAPA

Martha's story is sad, but not uncommon: "Some days I feel so lonely, I look forward to going to the salon to have my hair done. I like the attention, the conversation, and it's wonderful to feel some physical contact with another human being."

As one expert wrote, "Without touch, a baby dies, the human heart aches, and the soul withers." Science and common sense both teach us that we all need to be touched for our physical welfare, our emotional vitality, and our spiritual health. Studies have shown how babies fail to survive if they are not touched, and they fail to thrive unless they are nurtured by regular tactile communication. Infants need touch for their neurological development, and this basic human need does not disappear as we grow older.

Yet in this day and age, so many of us are touch-deprived, and this is especially true of seniors, many of whom do not have partners to give and receive this basic need. So we live out our lives in conditions of loneliness, and a yearning to be touched. Surely, there are ways this sadness could be avoided, ways to enrich the lives of those around us by giving and receiving the healthy delights of nurturing touch.

Bill, a radiant retiree now in his seventies, was determined to find a solution. "I loved my wife very dearly," he reports, "and I never strayed from our marital commitment. But our sexual life was never very enriching and after she died, twelve years ago, I became open to new experiences. I have had several wonderful relationships with women my own age, as well as twenty years younger. And life is very joyful."

Bill continues, "I've found that my needs for nurturing touch were greater than anything that could be fulfilled by dating. So last year, I started a touch group. It's a circle of about eight friends, five women and three men from their thirties into their seventies. We meet regularly on Wednesdays at a nearby home. First, we spend a few minutes each sharing from our hearts what is happening in our lives. Then, we undress, turn on some gentle music, and each person has ten to fifteen minutes receiving the group's touch in any way that he or she requests. I love the opportunity to be giving, as much as I love receiving the soothing caress of as many as seven pairs of hands gently stroking my body. Genitals are not the focus; the whole experience is sensual and spiritual, rather than sexual per se. Of course, we set up the group carefully, with clear discussion and explicit understandings about our purposes. Frankly, I feel that this sort of touch group gives me an experience that is holy. I always come away from the group feeling more loving and loved, more centered, and more ready to face the challenges of my life with joy in my heart."

Bill's experiences are not common. But why not? We know that touch is both pleasurable and essential to our wellbeing, so why is it so difficult to find ways to nurture others, and to receive from them what we yearn for so much?

Scientific research has shown that affectional touch is highly beneficial so long as it is experienced as appropriate to the situation, and does not impose greater intimacy than is desired, or is not part of some interpersonal power play. Touching should neither be coercive nor manipulative. It should be purely giving, and never used as a means to an ends, for example as a maneuver to get someone into unwanted sexual relations.

Several studies have demonstrated that, when touching is affectional and consensual, it reduces depression, anxiety, and physical pain. Nurturing touch promotes emotional health, physical wellbeing, spiritual centering, and even longevity. Here are some suggestions about giving and receiving more touch in your life.

Practical Suggestions

Talk with your friends about the need for touch. Show them this article, if you think it would help, or use some of the resources listed below.
If starting a touch group like Bill's seems too big a step to begin with, find one or two touch buddies and talk with them about what you would like to do to nurture them and how you might like to feel nurtured by them.
Remember that, to promote health, healing, and happiness, touch does not have to be all over the body. Agreeing to gently caress someone's hands, lovingly stroke their face, massage their feet, or brush their hair, can be a lovely gift that enriches life.
Always have explicit verbal agreements about what you are going to do and how long it is going to last. For example, you might say to your friend: "Would you like your hands stroked for a few minutes?" or "I'd really like to caress your face while this music is playing, would that be okay with you?"
Always express your feelings, and give your touch buddies feedback, both truthfully and appreciatively. If you have had enough, say "That was very sweet, but I'd like you to stop for the time being." If your buddy's touch does not feel good, say "That feels a little uncomfortable, could you try stroking a little lighter" or "I don't usually like my face to be touched, but I'd love it if you'd stroke my hands." And when the time is over, thank your buddy for the touch you have received, or for the opportunity to give him or her your nurturing touch.

Joanna, an energetic businesswoman in her sixties, is clear about her needs. "I would love to have a partner in my life," she says, "but until then, I know that humans are meant to be playful. When it comes to being touched, I like to give myself pleasure frequently, but I also like to be physically close to the warmth of friends and, hey, I'm too old and too wise to waste my life being afraid to ask for what I want."

Resources for More Touch

Take a look at two books: Ashley Montagu's Touching (Harper Trade, 3rd edition, 1994), and Phyllis Davis' The Power of Touch (Hay House, 1999). They offer many thought-provoking ideas and some suggestions for enriching your life with touch.
Visit touchability.com, where a philosophy and practice that promotes consensual non-genital touch is presented by an expert on this topic.