Re-Entering the Dating World
Getting Sexually Active After Divorce or Widowhood
By Barnaby B. Barratt, PhD, DHS, ABPP, FAPA
Sally's worries are typical. She dated, got married, and remained in an exclusive relationship with the same partner for many years. Today, suddenly without her husband, in her forties or fifties, she would like a man in her life. At least occasionally. Or perhaps even for a lasting partnership. "But it's been decades since I've dated," she laments, "and I don't know what's expected, like who makes the plans, who pays for dinner, and what about sex? I don't know enough about sexually transmitted infections, but I'm excited and scared. Back in the seventies, all we worried about was birth control; now it seems much more complicated."
Regrettably, too many women like Sally will either miss the type of social life with partnered sexual pleasures they might otherwise enjoy, or will begin dating men in a way that does not take sufficient care of their hearts or their health.
We are often concerned about young women. We try to teach them to look after themselves, to be self-respectful, and to enjoy their sexuality sensibly. Less attention is paid to the problems encountered by women who are less young, and who are re-entering the dating world. Yet this world has changed dramatically even in the past decade, and many of us, who are somewhere beyond our mid-thirties, are understandably reluctant to admit we may know less than teenagers, and that we may be more than a little anxious about meeting new acquaintances who are potential sexual partners.
We will leave aside debates over the etiquette of who picks up the check, or who telephones whom and when. Rather, we will offer you a protocol for the erotic aspects of mid-life dating. This will be slanted toward the heterosexual context, but most of our suggestions are applicable to women interested in dating women (and, of course, men can always benefit from learning these ideas). Here are five principles.
1. Know What You Want
Do you want casual fun, to be just friends, or a deeper emotional engagement? Do you want to be physically close without genital sex, or do you want the exchange of genital pleasures? Are you open to cuddling, to sexual play without genital engagement, or to some form of full genital intercourse? It is okay for what you want to change and evolve, but try to know it, in the here and now, so that you can be forthright with the individuals you are interested in. This avoids either subsequent remorse or unnecessary disappointment over unfulfilled expectations.
2. Express Your Wishes Freely and Clearly
Express your wishes freely and clearly (and invite the man you are interested in to do the same). By and large, men appreciate knowing where they stand, even when they wish it were somewhere else. The man you are interested in may want something more, less, or just different than you do. But that is okay, and it is better for both of you to know what hopes and expectations you do and do not share.
3. Take Pride in Your Sexuality
Take pride in your sexuality. It is your blessing to have a sensual and erotic nature, for yourself and to share with a partner when it pleases you to do so. So ask for what you want, and try never to be coerced or pressured into doing anything you do not want.
It is always okay to say no (but always nicer to say it in an upbeat manner, such as "You are very attractive but I'm not into this"). It is also okay to decline one erotic activity to offer another one more pleasing to you, like "I'm not ready for intercourse, but I would like to give you an erotic massage." And it is always okay to say yes provided you are safe and in a position to make good decisions.
You never need be ashamed of having sexual interests and wishes, or of letting them be known. Sure, there are still some men who may think badly of you for acknowledging your eroticism, but that is their problem.
4. Take Careful Responsibility for Your Own Pleasures and Safety
Men come in all shapes and sizes. Some are cute, some are not. Some are kind, some are not. Some are bright, some are not. But sadly, they all have one thing in common: they cannot be relied on to take care of you as well as you would like them to. This is especially true when it comes to sexual activity.
So, if you are going to be sexual, educate and prepare yourself for safer sex practice: latex condoms or the female condom and lubricant with Nonoxynol. Do not be afraid to purchase and carry condoms routinely, and insist on using them with any and every sex act that could potentially pass a man's ejaculate or pre-ejaculate into your body.
Unfortunately, there are many men (and women) who still grumble or make excuses about condom use and other aspects of safer sex practices. You may sympathize with them, but you must not go along with their request to have intercourse unsafely. Some will tell you that HIV/AIDS is not found in your class, race, or age group. This is not true. Some will tell you they have previously dated only clean women. This is ridiculous. Some will tell you that you are not at risk. But you are. The rate of HIV is increasing fastest among women who identify themselves as heterosexual. And in any act of genital intercourse, infection from the man to the woman is twice as frequent as infection from the woman to the man.
5. Keep Your Sexual Life Away from Your Children
While there is no shame in your eroticism and while you may acknowledge it freely, it is unwise to expose children to your sexual activities. Divorce or loss of fathering is profoundly difficult for children. While your youngsters may eventually accept and welcome a new adult man into their lives, it is disturbingly confusing for them to meet a succession of men you date. More importantly, children should not be exposed to the sexual activity of adults. If you want an overnight with your date, plan it when the children are away. Otherwise, locate your erotic activities elsewhere.
Human beings are meant to get the most out of their lives and if re-entering the dating scene is something you would like to try, go for it. But always remember that the person who loves you the most needs to be yourself, and always enjoy your sexuality safely.